The first step toward more authentic communication is to look at control. There’s a strong instinct to control our environment and plan what to say and how to say it. Control is pervasive and entrenched in our culture, the all‐favoured modus operandi in politics, leadership, management, and every aspect of our lives.
Interesting opening, control is also something that is being woven into the social fabric with cancel culture, and the need to be “woke” or politically correct. In some ways it’s like everyone has the ability to become “Agent Smith” and use control to gain some advantageous goal. As soon as a public conversation goes against the grain, “Agent Smith” shows up to shut it down with a fight.
In personal conversations, control can be used to avoid surprises but can lead to less authentic conversations.
We can also use self-control to maintain a certain distance from really connecting and being fully present in the conversation and showing our human side.
Our conversations can also be affected by fear, such as being self-conscious, having a fear of failing, fear of being disliked, etc.
To have better conversations we need to “go with the flow” and move into a place where we can use the right side of the brain more.
The left hemisphere employs logic and linear thinking with a narrow focus, grasping whatever details it deems to be relevant to its case, processing bits of information to build up a system of knowledge. The left‐brain has a major input in speech and language but takes the world literally; it is expert on internal logic and syntax but not on meaning.
Sounds a lot like large-language models.
The right hemisphere absorbs information as a whole by maintaining present awareness with a broad focus, without any preconception of what may or may not be found.
The author suggests being spontaneous, present and paying attention, being curious, and deep listening are key elements of great conversation.
It’s okay to be confused or have uncertainty, remaining open gives the right hemisphere space to join the conversation. Learn to hold the space if someone else is feeling awkward in the conversation.
If someone speaks to you about a difficulty they’re grappling with, you may think you know how to resolve it and offer a solution. At times this is helpful to the other person; mostly it’s not. If, instead, you make no effort to resolve their problem, but enter into it by their side like fish swimming together in the ocean, listening and attending, a solution suddenly pops up for the other person, one that suits them better than the solution that would have come from your own reasoning. Conversations, even therapeutic ones, can often be more like improvisation than we think.
That’s some great advice to remember, as we often want to solve their problem or suggest a solution rather than listening or holding space. It reminds me of the psychological idea of extrinsic or intrinsic values, and extrinsic ones are external or doing something to please others, sometimes we may follow a life path because our parents want us to, or start a career we don’t like because others said it’s a good thing… rather than listening to our internal or intrinsic values and what is really important to us. In this case, by suggesting solutions or helping solve someone else’s problem we are taking away their ability to listen to their own inner voice.
The author ends the book saying that building rapport and resonating with the other person creates a unifying force that enhances the conversation.
When you are self‐compassionate, you are able to trust yourself, and this enhances your trust in the other person. You see yourself as a part of a whole and become curious about your differences. The conversation becomes a co‐creation.
And that using compassion is a key element of understanding and communicating with others.
The characters for human being in Japanese mean person and between, suggesting that as human beings we exist only through our relations with others.
Remember that beautiful experiences in conversations are seldom pre-planned, rather they emerge naturally.